Your Superhero Powers

A couple of days ago someone took my personality assessment for Omni-Linguistics, and her scores were almost identical across the board, meaning she was almost 25% of each of the fours styles. She had only one classification that was slightly ahead of the others, and that was the Meteor, the type of personality who typically gets energy from being around others, usually asks questions or explains things multiple times (because that’s how they reach conclusions) and is charming and fun, but will often overlook important detail-oriented information. As I’ve said before, this wonderful type often leaps head first into a swimming pool, and then starts to wonder if there’s any water in the pool.

I sent this individual information about how I interpreted her assessment, and her response was funny. She immediately wrote back and said it felt a little like getting an astrology reading; I described her so completely.

The ability to really read people after understanding their personality characteristics is pretty amazing. Once we truly know how they’re wired it opens doors and supplies us with all the knowledge we need to effectively work with the individual. What isn’t as easy to interpret is our preconceived notions about someone.

I recently spent some time with a person who is highly intelligent but at the same time very quick to put labels on people, and once they’re in a specific category they will usually remain there for eternity. So if someone seems “strange” it often is interpreted as an individual who thinks and acts very differently than he would under similar circumstances. I bring this up because it’s so darn easy to fall into the same trap. I tech Omni-Linguistics, and I know I’d rather hang out with people who seem to share my values, think like me.

No one said it’s necessarily easy to figure out how to work smarter with people, but by not ruling out everyone who doesn’t seem to fit into our “ideal person” category, it’s amazing how much we can start to learn!

Teaching a class in southern California this week (only six blocks from Disney World) we spent a lot of time today talking about Omni-Linguistics, or at least the power of appreciating how differently people are wired and communicating with them based on their needs, not our own. But something I thought worth mentioning here was how often, in the process of talking with people, we often give up on some people (the ones we just don’t think worth our time).

I remember hearing once that most people are winners; some are disguised as losers, and we are not to let their disguises fool us. And that led me to think about about how often people wear their disguises each day. Someone is a Judge; thinks, acts and works just like a Judge, but under the exterior is a person who can be much more compassionate than perceived with his mask/disguise. When I worked as a consultant for Honeywell Space Systems I often ran into rocket sciences wearing their disguises, meaning they could actually think right brain, or entertain an idea from a non-analytical perspective, but because everyone saw them a certain way, they lived up to others’ expectations of how they would act and in the process really frustrated the non Detailer population.

Sometimes it’s good to look at those people who don’t fit our criteria for colleague, neighbor or friend, and see where we’re letting their disguises fool us. All four behavioral styles have attributes that stand out and put them firmly in their specific categories, but at the same time beyond these attributes are individuals we can’t categorize, and that’s the value of stepping away from labels.

Tomorrow I’m apt to run into a judge who takes time to be compassionate, a Detailer who can let go of an agenda and just wing it, a Meteor who doesn’t need to be chatty, doesn’t require that energy to get her life together, or a Rock who takes charge of a situation and exudes more confidence than all they styles together. Omni-Linguistics gives us the basis from which to work, and with that knowledge we can then be as flexible as needed to be open to everyone’s value and contributions, getting beyond their disguises.

According to George Bernard Shaw, “the biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

How often are we absolutely sure that we were crystal clear about what we said, only to discover the other person thought something entirely different?

I’ve missed meetings where we were sitting in two different offices or restaurants, completely sure the other person knew where to meet. I’ve gone on vacations with people who I was positive knew what was important to me on vacation, only to discover we were worlds apart in our expectations.
And I’ve discussed important ideas in meetings, both for profit and non-profit, and come away with people hearing things very differently than I was sure I explained them.

So does that mean we give up, only communicate in writing or decide it’s a hopeless mess to try to really get our message across? Or could the fact that no one seems to understand what the other person is saying mean that we have a chance to truly excel at something that millions don’t, the ability to really communicate effectively? And adding one more thought here, would “effectively” mean that not only did we get our point across but we worked on empowering the other person in the process, with a proviso that we would hold no attachment to the outcome?

Since that seems a bit wordy, let me rephrase. What if we always worked on finding the light, the positive in someone (remember my X-Ray vision power where we see past the “dirt” to the part that shines?) BUT we won’t assume or expect the person we respond to will behave accordingly. Hmm, that seems wordy as well. OK, here’s an example: if we say thank you or give praise or apologize expecting others to behave just the way we think they should, then we’re in for big disappointments. Our job is to model excellence, to authentically find the words that say what we need and offer encouragement if possible. And then let it go.

For the past eight years, with exceptions now and then when I’m away working, or encounter inclement weather or am on vacations, I’ve walked my dogs by a neighbor’s home. This particular neighbor dislikes me intently (not worth your time to elaborate) and when he happens to see me walking by he opens and then slams the door, just to emphasize his dislike for me. When, on the other hand, I see him out I wave, and I always say hi to his roommate who will respond back positively. I do not expect said neighbor to hug me or send me flowers, but I will continue behaving and communicating (nonverbally) according to my principles and beliefs. There’s no wasted energy, no expectations, and perhaps this person could surprise me someday and not slam the door, or actually open it and say hello.

Using my FIDO model (forgive it and drive on) let’s communicate with all four styles of Omni-Linguistics this week, not through our filters of what they should be doing or saying, but looking past that to the part that shines, or at least the part that has a glimmer of light. Who knows, we might be the only people who found something worthwhile to comment on.

When we can say what we need without emotional attachment, and offer observations about what others are doing well, we’re light years ahead of most people. Developing relationships through effective communication can sometimes move mountains, and at the very least help us be understood and often get what we want and need as well.

The other day after finishing a program on Omni-linguistics, one of the attendees came up to me and said she had a great idea. “Everyone,” she said with conviction, “should wear a wrist band (noting a specific color) each day that shows the language they are going to speak that day; how they want to be treated.” Everyone laughed, she insisted she was serious, and I went on with the program.

So I started thinking, wouldn’t it be great if there were a practically invisible or transparent sign that flashed a certain color or indicated, in some way, exactly what each person we encounter needs from us and expects from us? Can you imagine how much bias, frustration and anger we could cut off at the pass, so to speak?

What a novel idea if we could truly speak to people each and every time we communicate, in their language. And it goes much, much deeper. For example, if we are communicating with someone and assuming they are listening in a certain way, we can leave the encounter expecting certain results based on our conversation. Yet, as with everything from non-verbals to written communication to anything between the lines, we can’t expect the same things from each other; we are speaking different languages.

Let me give you an example. I was working in California somewhere and ended up taking a shuttle to the hotel which was a considerable distance from the airport. I knew my trip would be lengthy, I was prepared. As we started the driver asked if there was anyone heading a certain direction, and if so the driver would need to turn right at the upcoming intersection. A passenger called out yes, he was going in that direction. The driver got to the intersection but instead of going right, he went left instead. I waited for the passenger to say something, and he kept his mouth shut.

Well I pondered if I should say something, which I typically do, and can often end up annoying someone. So I said nothing and wondered how I had missed a communication cue. About 30 minutes later when a different passenger was dropped off and everyone was to recite again where they were going, the driver asked why the individual hadn’t spoken up when he turned a different direction. Turns out the passenger had an hour wait before the van got back to the starting point and he wasn’t very happy about it. The two people were speaking very different languages!

Why do we assume people hear, understand, speak out, or do anything based on our criteria? Once we realize everyone is speaking a different language, whether it’s the person you wake up next to every morning or the person sitting at the next desk in your office, then we start to alleviate some of the bias, frustration and grievances that come from unclear expectations and broad assumptions.

Today, a quick reminder on how to give negative feedback to the four behavioral styles:

The Judge: A reminder, this fascinating Type A individual speaks, thinks and acts in a no nonsense, cut-to-the chase language. He or she can bring leadership to the table but can be brusque, abrupt, a poor listener, judgmental, and tends to often say things like “just handle it.” Judges have high levels of testosterone activity in the brain, leading them to be competitive, direct and tell it like it is. So if you are giving feedback they want you to be direct, to the point, and if it’s in writing be sure there are bullets and a summary. Address the issues that need changing or attention, but highlight and emphasize what the Judge holds most dear: independent thinking, take-charge attitude, competence, and success. Since they also like and need control, close the conversation with what they feel should be done to rectify or create change, rather than you suggesting alternative approaches.

The Meteor: A reminder, so named because of Type A energy coupled with dashing bursts of spontaneity mixed with creativity, this individual speaks a language that instantly builds rapport. Meteors tend to have high dopamine activity which is associated with curiosity, spontaneity and risk-taking. Therefore when you give feedback they need to first hear what is good, what is right, what is creative, and how they’ve impacted, inspired or in some way touched others in the process. You may have to stretch and be creative here, but it will get you much farther, the Meteor will be more receptive to what’s coming. Next make your feedback short and sweet with suggestions for change, but minimal suggestions. Best to get buy-in on one thing and then go to the next, rather than giving the Meteor three things to do simultaneously. Get feedback as you go along, since their attention will wander quickly and they like to be part of the conversation. And get them as actively involved as possible. Close with your beliefs about their abilities to succeed, and if at all possible allow room for their creativity in the process.

The Rock: A reminder, the Rock is aptly named because of the Type B calm infused with tremendous listening skills, caring and need to create harmony. They can have high estrogen activity in the brain promoting connection seeking, are true diplomats, and absolutely dislike confrontation. So when giving feedback they need respect, they need a slow build up to what needs changing/correcting, and in the least confrontational way possible. They also must be asked to respond. By simply asking “are there any questions or would you like to comment” they’ll say nothing. Be sure to compliment what they’re doing right.

The Detailer: A reminder, they are by far the most misunderstood, even though we all know this very Type B person is quantitative, controlled, structured, a linear thinker, logical and non-confrontational as well. Detailers tend to have higher levels of serotonin which promotes orderly behavior and respect for authority so they tend to be open to feedback, but it needs to be very specific, very precise. Don’t assume anything, and don’t omit anything. Be linear and structured in how you give them feedback, and as with all groups, look for what the Detailer is doing right and make sure that it is also in the written report (that must accompany any feedback conversation).

Have fun exploring this new language. Listen, observe, and you’ll be amazed at how much people tell you about how they want to be treated. Happy communicating!

Finally, we get to the style that needs almost no introduction. After all my blogs on behavioral styles, talking about Judges, Meteors and Rocks…we get to the style that really doesn’t need defining. Everyone can probably tell you most of the characteristics of this last style, the Detailer. We all know someone who must have everything in writing, is such a perfectionist that we must literally pull things from his grip since he wants to check things one last time.

We know these folks are quantitative, critical thinkers, structured, dislike change, are usually introverts and think in a regimented fashion. What we often forget is this literal, logical, often uptight and always structured personality type is just as vibrant and interesting and exciting as other types, they just keep things well under wraps. They prefer to be alone or with just a few people and yet despite their solitary nature, the Detailer will surprise you by being loyal when the going gets rough. Though this style isn’t overtly people-oriented, in crunch situations the Detailer often tries to see that everyone is treated fairly.

Detailers tend to be controlled. They like rules and the enforcement thereof. They tend to be sequential thinkers —meaning they start at the beginning and work their way linearly through a problem. Detailers are the least likely to “think outside of the box.” They are usually non-assertive in the workplace and non-responsive in a confrontation. This means they will avoid stress and people who cause it. For any project requiring a painstaking approach, it is important to get The Detailer on your side, for they are prudent, task-oriented and systematic.

Detailers tend to have higher levels of serotonin, which promotes orderly, cautious behavior and respect for authority. More than any other type they can tolerate repetition or tedious types of work; they are also the most predictable. They love planning far ahead, know where everything is at all times, and dislike intensely anything that gets in the way of their order and structure.

Upside of working with a Detailer: You will not have to remind them of anything; they already know, and will probably be the ones reminding you. They are reliable, efficient, will never keep you waiting, and will create a strong, structured environment at work.

Downside of working with a Detailer: They tend to be controlling. They like to have everything in writing, needing all documentation for any situation, and as I already said, paperwork and detail are their friends. If you are working with a Detailer they will need more documentation, more information, and will demand more perfection from you than other types.

You should:
•Give them all the detail they need, and be prepared to know where everything is within a project or task.
•Let the Detailer do something his/her own way, even if you know a better solution. You can carefully suggest change, but don’t expect the Detailer to jump at your suggestion.
•Follow routines and stick to them. The more you do, the more trust and rapport you will build with the Detailer.
•Adhere to whatever written or unwritten rules the Detailer has created. Where other types might know rules but bend them, the Detailer feels strongly about the importance of rules, so go with what’s really important to this type of individual

You should not:
•Go in to any meeting with a Detailer unprepared, without all the detail needed
•Change plans without informing them, or act spontaneously
•Give them information without proofing it more than once. More than any other type they expect perfection from everyone
•Try to force change rapidly, if at all. Understand the mind set instead, and be creative within the framework of those parameters.

Because Detailers tend to be the most critical of the styles, they are often very hard on themselves, and on others. They’re not good at giving compliments or expressions of appreciation and dislike taking risks, feeling comfortable with the saying “better safe than sorry.” They agonize over decisions and become stressed about even small decisions such as what to order when eating out or what to put first on the agenda. And they avoid conflict, often shelving important decisions because it’s easier than getting in an uncomfortable situation to resolve an issue.

So what does this all mean? Like every other style I’ve talked about it takes stepping back, letting go of preconceived ideas and realizing that Detailers just see the world through a different lens. They may feel as deeply about an issue as anyone else, but they’ll probably talk about facts rather than feelings. More than any other group we need to cut them some slack. We couldn’t do without them and we can continually learn a great deal from them. Just don’t expect or ask them to be the life of the party or give a compliment. As an example I once asked my Detailer boyfriend (I should have known better) why those actresses always looked great in movies when they woke up in the morning, but I always had mascara under my eyes; not very glamorous. He turned to me and stated simply, “because you don’t wash your face.” Now I’ve mentioned this before in my blogs, but any woman out there would know I was fishing for a compliment. But no, he reported the facts, as accurately as he could. Aaugh!

However by understanding the Detailers’ amazing gifts and talents,we can stop being exasperated over their perfectionist tendencies, their black and white view of the landscape, and appreciate the great qualities they bring to the table!