Then she used this example. She said her computer had a melt down at 4:00 pm on a Friday. Her colleagues told her she was out of luck, the IT department never came that late to fix a problem, especially on a Friday. She said she was sure someone would come to help her; she knew the IT people, remembered birthdays, talked with them in their “language” (which can often be a challenge when speaking with wonderfully analytical Detailers) and proceeded to give the IT department a call. Someone came over to work on her computer and it was up and running before 6:00.

Relationships matter, and one of the easiest ways to begin the process of building a relationship with others is to pay attention, understand who they are and what they need to function successfully, not what we would like them to do or be.

People are looking for ways to leverage business, bring in customers, motivate employees to do more with less and create a mindset for prosperity and abundance in this uncertain time. Perhaps it starts with something as simple as understanding each other and treating others with respect, which is just another way of saying to appreciate and acknowledge others’ particular way of viewing the world, and then treat them accordingly.

So I started thinking, wouldn’t it be great if there were a practically invisible or transparent sign that flashed a certain color or indicated, in some way, exactly what each person we encounter needs from us and expects from us? Can you imagine how much bias, frustration and anger we could cut off at the pass, so to speak?

What a novel idea if we could truly speak to people each and every time we communicate, in their language. And it goes much, much deeper. For example, if we are communicating with someone and assuming they are listening in a certain way, we can leave the encounter expecting certain results based on our conversation. Yet, as with everything from non-verbals to written communication to anything between the lines, we can’t expect the same things from each other; we are speaking different languages.

Let me give you an example. I was working in California somewhere and ended up taking a shuttle to the hotel which was a considerable distance from the airport. I knew my trip would be lengthy, I was prepared. As we started the driver asked if there was anyone heading a certain direction, and if so the driver would need to turn right at the upcoming intersection. A passenger called out yes, he was going in that direction. The driver got to the intersection but instead of going right, he went left instead. I waited for the passenger to say something, and he kept his mouth shut.

Well I pondered if I should say something, which I typically do, and can often end up annoying someone. So I said nothing and wondered how I had missed a communication cue. About 30 minutes later when a different passenger was dropped off and everyone was to recite again where they were going, the driver asked why the individual hadn’t spoken up when he turned a different direction. Turns out the passenger had an hour wait before the van got back to the starting point and he wasn’t very happy about it. The two people were speaking very different languages!

Why do we assume people hear, understand, speak out, or do anything based on our criteria? Once we realize everyone is speaking a different language, whether it’s the person you wake up next to every morning or the person sitting at the next desk in your office, then we start to alleviate some of the bias, frustration and grievances that come from unclear expectations and broad assumptions.

Today, a quick reminder on how to give negative feedback to the four behavioral styles:

The Judge: A reminder, this fascinating Type A individual speaks, thinks and acts in a no nonsense, cut-to-the chase language. He or she can bring leadership to the table but can be brusque, abrupt, a poor listener, judgmental, and tends to often say things like “just handle it.” Judges have high levels of testosterone activity in the brain, leading them to be competitive, direct and tell it like it is. So if you are giving feedback they want you to be direct, to the point, and if it’s in writing be sure there are bullets and a summary. Address the issues that need changing or attention, but highlight and emphasize what the Judge holds most dear: independent thinking, take-charge attitude, competence, and success. Since they also like and need control, close the conversation with what they feel should be done to rectify or create change, rather than you suggesting alternative approaches.

The Meteor: A reminder, so named because of Type A energy coupled with dashing bursts of spontaneity mixed with creativity, this individual speaks a language that instantly builds rapport. Meteors tend to have high dopamine activity which is associated with curiosity, spontaneity and risk-taking. Therefore when you give feedback they need to first hear what is good, what is right, what is creative, and how they’ve impacted, inspired or in some way touched others in the process. You may have to stretch and be creative here, but it will get you much farther, the Meteor will be more receptive to what’s coming. Next make your feedback short and sweet with suggestions for change, but minimal suggestions. Best to get buy-in on one thing and then go to the next, rather than giving the Meteor three things to do simultaneously. Get feedback as you go along, since their attention will wander quickly and they like to be part of the conversation. And get them as actively involved as possible. Close with your beliefs about their abilities to succeed, and if at all possible allow room for their creativity in the process.

The Rock: A reminder, the Rock is aptly named because of the Type B calm infused with tremendous listening skills, caring and need to create harmony. They can have high estrogen activity in the brain promoting connection seeking, are true diplomats, and absolutely dislike confrontation. So when giving feedback they need respect, they need a slow build up to what needs changing/correcting, and in the least confrontational way possible. They also must be asked to respond. By simply asking “are there any questions or would you like to comment” they’ll say nothing. Be sure to compliment what they’re doing right.

The Detailer: A reminder, they are by far the most misunderstood, even though we all know this very Type B person is quantitative, controlled, structured, a linear thinker, logical and non-confrontational as well. Detailers tend to have higher levels of serotonin which promotes orderly behavior and respect for authority so they tend to be open to feedback, but it needs to be very specific, very precise. Don’t assume anything, and don’t omit anything. Be linear and structured in how you give them feedback, and as with all groups, look for what the Detailer is doing right and make sure that it is also in the written report (that must accompany any feedback conversation).

Have fun exploring this new language. Listen, observe, and you’ll be amazed at how much people tell you about how they want to be treated. Happy communicating!

Human nature being what it is, there are always going to be people we like more than others. Unfortunately it’s often those “others” that we find ourselves in the company of so often, whether it’s at work, in an organization, at a club meeting, a neighbor or somewhere else. Maybe we’re getting a lesson here, if we can’t figure out how to work with a certain type of person, we’re just going to keep running into clones of that person until we invest the energy and time into understanding their value and how to live and work in their presence.

What I often hear over and over when I go into companies to consult and teach, is how annoying, aggravating or an overall pain someone is. What I don’t hear nearly as often are words to the effect of, “how can we work better with each other?” No one said it’s easy sometimes, but what I continually ask myself is do I want to be right (I have all this evidence, my ego is yelling to go out and tell everyone I’M right) or do I want to get results. The answer is pretty obvious.

So, some quick tips on motivating different behavioral styles:

Judge: Give them control, give them power, stroke their egos, never take away any more control than you have to and help them think they always have choices. Focus on their results, appreciate their confidence, intelligence and determination.

Meteor: Look at all the ways they can interact with others and can be praised with others around. This might mean a celebratory lunch or pot luck party at the office, a memo to all singing their praises, acknowledgment in front of a meeting or any other arena where they can feed off the positive energy of others while doing their job or accomplishing their task.

Rock: Continually acknowledge their value to the team. Tell them and show them your appreciation, but mainly be sure they are aware of your respect. They prefer quiet, low-key opportunities to sing their praises.

Detailer: This style wants to be acknowledged for their hard work but needs you to communicate through the written word; emails are preferable to phone calls. Acknowledge their intellect, go into great detail on what you like and why, and feel free to copy others on your email as well.

Everything I’ve just mentioned is obvious. We work or play with these people and we know what they need and what makes them tick. And yet it’s easy to get busy and forget that others are not necessarily like us. One quick, example: A participant in one of my seminars said she knew a salesman who wanted to thank his personal assistant. He had a meeting planned with 500 people, and he wanted to bring her on stage, give her applause and flowers. He would have loved that kind of attention. However she was nothing like him, and never made it to the stage. She was so overwhelmed at the thought of being in front of 500 people that she spent the night in the bathroom crying.

We are all very different and what floats your boat, as they say, may not float mine. Our job is to realize and value these differences, and more than that be smart enough to understand what others need to feel safe, valued and motivated and then make sure to communicate that to them. Besides, just imagine how boring the world would be if everyone was just like us!

We know these folks are quantitative, critical thinkers, structured, dislike change, are usually introverts and think in a regimented fashion. What we often forget is this literal, logical, often uptight and always structured personality type is just as vibrant and interesting and exciting as other types, they just keep things well under wraps. They prefer to be alone or with just a few people and yet despite their solitary nature, the Detailer will surprise you by being loyal when the going gets rough. Though this style isn’t overtly people-oriented, in crunch situations the Detailer often tries to see that everyone is treated fairly.

Detailers tend to be controlled. They like rules and the enforcement thereof. They tend to be sequential thinkers —meaning they start at the beginning and work their way linearly through a problem. Detailers are the least likely to “think outside of the box.” They are usually non-assertive in the workplace and non-responsive in a confrontation. This means they will avoid stress and people who cause it. For any project requiring a painstaking approach, it is important to get The Detailer on your side, for they are prudent, task-oriented and systematic.

Detailers tend to have higher levels of serotonin, which promotes orderly, cautious behavior and respect for authority. More than any other type they can tolerate repetition or tedious types of work; they are also the most predictable. They love planning far ahead, know where everything is at all times, and dislike intensely anything that gets in the way of their order and structure.

Upside of working with a Detailer: You will not have to remind them of anything; they already know, and will probably be the ones reminding you. They are reliable, efficient, will never keep you waiting, and will create a strong, structured environment at work.

Downside of working with a Detailer: They tend to be controlling. They like to have everything in writing, needing all documentation for any situation, and as I already said, paperwork and detail are their friends. If you are working with a Detailer they will need more documentation, more information, and will demand more perfection from you than other types.

You should:
•Give them all the detail they need, and be prepared to know where everything is within a project or task.
•Let the Detailer do something his/her own way, even if you know a better solution. You can carefully suggest change, but don’t expect the Detailer to jump at your suggestion.
•Follow routines and stick to them. The more you do, the more trust and rapport you will build with the Detailer.
•Adhere to whatever written or unwritten rules the Detailer has created. Where other types might know rules but bend them, the Detailer feels strongly about the importance of rules, so go with what’s really important to this type of individual

You should not:
•Go in to any meeting with a Detailer unprepared, without all the detail needed
•Change plans without informing them, or act spontaneously
•Give them information without proofing it more than once. More than any other type they expect perfection from everyone
•Try to force change rapidly, if at all. Understand the mind set instead, and be creative within the framework of those parameters.

Because Detailers tend to be the most critical of the styles, they are often very hard on themselves, and on others. They’re not good at giving compliments or expressions of appreciation and dislike taking risks, feeling comfortable with the saying “better safe than sorry.” They agonize over decisions and become stressed about even small decisions such as what to order when eating out or what to put first on the agenda. And they avoid conflict, often shelving important decisions because it’s easier than getting in an uncomfortable situation to resolve an issue.

So what does this all mean? Like every other style I’ve talked about it takes stepping back, letting go of preconceived ideas and realizing that Detailers just see the world through a different lens. They may feel as deeply about an issue as anyone else, but they’ll probably talk about facts rather than feelings. More than any other group we need to cut them some slack. We couldn’t do without them and we can continually learn a great deal from them. Just don’t expect or ask them to be the life of the party or give a compliment. As an example I once asked my Detailer boyfriend (I should have known better) why those actresses always looked great in movies when they woke up in the morning, but I always had mascara under my eyes; not very glamorous. He turned to me and stated simply, “because you don’t wash your face.” Now I’ve mentioned this before in my blogs, but any woman out there would know I was fishing for a compliment. But no, he reported the facts, as accurately as he could. Aaugh!

However by understanding the Detailers’ amazing gifts and talents,we can stop being exasperated over their perfectionist tendencies, their black and white view of the landscape, and appreciate the great qualities they bring to the table!

I just read an article on the movie Up in the Air, starring George Clooney as a man who lives a connection-free life. The article stated that Sheldon Turner, who co-wrote the screenplay, said the film speaks to the disconnect and insulation of our times. And if indeed there may be disconnect in our lives, then it would seem logical that the more we can connect with others and build relationships through understanding, the more we’ll work effectively together and at the same time grow our businesses.

A couple of days ago I attended a program where the speaker asked everyone in the audience to stand and face one direction, put their hands on the person in front of them and massage their shoulders. After a minute everyone was to turn the opposite direction and return the favor. I expected people to be standoffish or a little put out by being somewhat forced to touch a stranger, but the reaction in the room was just the opposite. Amazingly I saw close to 100 people began to smile during this exercise. We like connections!

Perhaps Sheldon Turner is right, and if that’s the case then the more we learn how to reach people, the more we can work synergistically with each other and collaborate based on respect and feeling valued.

And that’s where the Omni-Linguistic model comes in. Building on the blogs for the last two weeks, I’d like to talk about a really wonderful individual that I call the Rock. These are probably the nicest people you’ll ever find in an office environment, or anywhere else for that matter. They don’t need the attention of the Meteor, they don’t shove you out of the way like the lovable Judges (just kidding) and they are fabulous listeners. This temperament is designed to be counselors, nurses and therapists; in other words they know how to empathize, they listen, and they can be great friends or colleagues.

The Rock can have high estrogen activity in the brain, promoting connection seeking. And while the Rock can be a wonderful person, a great team player, a hard worker and respected by all, there can be some big challenges if you work with a Rock. Rocks need to be understood, be appreciated and most importantly, be accepted. They tend to think rationally, and are tuned to what’s going on around them but will seldom tell you what’s on their mind, especially if it’s confrontational. Therefore if they get fed up over something they will clam up and you will have to work twice as hard to find out what’s really going on.

Upside of a Rock: They are really good listeners, they are encouraging, and if you are working together they will probably want to do the lion’s share because they don’t like to burden others (or delegate). They will remember important dates, know the name of your children or spouse, and be a reliable, steady person to work with.

Downside of a Rock: Because they are fair-minded, they seek to create harmony among others which means they will avoid conflict. If, for instance, you come to a Rock with specific issues the first comment might be, “let’s give it some time, see if it can work itself out before we get involved.” They don’t like quick change—so it will take a lot of persuading if you want something new from them. In a dispute, Rocks are non-assertive; they will listen to another’s complaint, but won’t necessarily defend you.

You should:

•Be loyal, and demonstrate your sincerity and reliability
•Give them time to respond to your needs
•Help them make decisions. Since they don’t like to make decisions, and especially confrontational ones, it may be up to you to make some of these decisions.

You should not:

•Expect them to stand up for you or be assertive to others on your behalf. It is not that they don’t like you, they just aren’t wired to take that kind of action.
•Take them at face value. Because they work hard on being fair to others they may not tell you what they are upset about. You need to be proactive, read between the lines, and set the example of open and honest communication
•Be rude, abrupt or demand immediate action on something.
•Expect change to happen quickly, it’s a slower process for the Rock.

It definitely takes effort to connect with people these days based on their needs and not our own, and yet it seems we already do that with those we care about. We see the potential, the uniqueness, and don’t question if their habits, styles or methodologies are different from our own. Perhaps the one style we don’t notice as much as others though is the Rock. They don’t demand attention, often blend in since they really don’t want to be noticed or singled out, and are often the quiet, overworked, highly empathetic and very loyal people we take for granted. Watch closely, and if there is a conflict or a need to be met, you’ll often find the Rock is the one that comes to your rescue!

Let me give you an example of an amazing “type,” of individual that I call the Meteor (brilliant, blazing, full of light and energy…get the picture?). It was quite a while back and I can’t remember the details, but I’ll never forget the incident. I was in a long line of disgruntled people waiting for their rooms in a hotel somewhere. There were probably a hundred rooms being held, and guests with confirmed reservations were being turned away or sent to other hotels. And the worst thing was the hotel staff had no idea when rooms would be available, who would stay and who would go. There was total pandemonium.

Like everyone else I was annoyed, tired, and felt miserable. I was right behind a man who hadn’t said anything, just kept his place in line. When he got to the clerk he flashed a big smile and said something like “I can see how frustrated you are, and I’m not expecting anything. Just tell me what I need to do and I’ll get out of your hair. It really must be a rough day for you.” And I watched the woman’s body language go from hunched over, ready for yet another confrontation to open and positive. She started smiling, she spent extra time with this man, and wonder of wonders, he walked away with a room key even though no rooms were available.

This man personified the Meteor, he had exceptional people skills. Meteors love to talk, and their enthusiasm, creativity and passion influence others easily. They love the cutting edge and so embrace new ideas. However, these types seem allergic to paper and detest detail. For team spirit and company innovation they are great leaders, but Meteors have poor follow-through. They need to be noticed, get the majority of their energy from being around others, and can be more creative in a group than sitting in an office by themselves. They are social, like approval, and enjoy freedom in their work.

Downside of a Meteor: Their spontaneity and impulsiveness can wreak havoc on any meeting or project. They tend to forget to tell you when they’ve changed a meeting date, perpetually forget what they are responsible for at a meeting, and will avoid detail at any cost. They are the big picture people, not the people who follow through, so it’s been said of them they jump in the pool, and then look to see if there’s any water!

Upside of a Meteor: They are charming, fun, will be more open to change and new ideas. Because they are empathetic and build rapport, they will immediately see your strengths and be encouraging mentors and always open to new ideas.

You should:
•Give them their detail in tiny bits and pieces. New information each day or twice a day instead of information on Monday for the week. If you chose the all-at-one-time approach you might as well toss everything in the wastebasket, it will be almost totally ignored.
•Help them focus on what is necessary, and help them set specific goals from this perspective.
•Remember the importance of a positive attitude around Meteors, and realize they are actually more sensitive than they appear.
•Praise, genuinely, what you like that they do, this is very important to them.

You should not:
•Give them rules on what deadlines they must adhere to. Instead give them parameters, helping them adjust their creative, spontaneous nature to more of a structured environment.
•Control their schedules too tightly or give them too much detail. It will strangle their creativity and will not create the trust you need to work together.
•Expect them to dwell too long on even serious issues; they have their own system of solving problems.

Meteors just know how to get it right when dealing with people. They are invaluable in smoothing ruffled feathers, getting a team to rally to an idea, calming down a divisive meeting or keeping morale high. And all they need is encouragement, attention, and others to help with detail and follow through, thus allowing them the freedom and creativity to inspire others.

Remember, the next time you’re stuck in a frustrating situation, trying to figure out how to survive and get through all the turmoil, look around. Somewhere you’ll find an individual who is smiling, talking to others and drawing a crowd, radiating positive energy and getting exactly what he or she wants. We can all learn from the amazing skills of a Meteor!

I want to talk about the one group who would not easily adjust to any change, the Judge. And before you think I’m going to be too hard on this group, let me tell you, I’m 90% Judge. In fact after moving from New York City to Reno, my daughter nonchalantly commented, “people aren’t going to like you in Reno mom, you talk too fast.” Her perception of Judges is relatively negative based on the type A behavior she sees.

The Judge is possibly the most misunderstood group of all behavioral styles, since they get lots and lots of bad press. Here’s what you’ll see in a Judge: They get things accomplished in a cut-to-the-chase manner. They prefer action and quick decisions over discussion, details and planning. The Judge can be brusque and abrupt. His or her favorite slogan is often “just handle it,” as they are professional delegators. They are apt to be judgmental, demand perfection, and know they are right. They are poor listeners and have short attention spans. The Judge’s candid, pragmatic approach works well in some leadership positions, but his or her autocratic manner may put off team members.

Downside of Judges: They tend to alienate those who don’t think and act like them; they are very direct and to the point and can annoy or anger or hurt feelings rather easy. They take control so there isn’t a feeling of team effort or camaraderie as there is with other types, and they are impatient and will interrupt, change directions, and be highly critical or judgmental at times.

Upside of Judges: Perception is reality, and perception can be deceiving. Once you get past the bravado and short attention span and pushiness of the Judge, you have the opportunity to create a fantastic relationship with this type of individual. You can figure the person out where many others will be intimidated. And once you earn the respect and trust a Judge will listen to you, possibly above all others.

Don’t forget, your Judge colleague may seem to forget all sorts of important things like your birthday, your surgery, your raise. It’s not that Judges don’t care, it’s that they have tremendous tunnel vision, they just don’t see things, so you need to remind them.

And if the Judge is truly focused on a problem or issue, you won’t be noticed, not at all! The Judge can also inspire trust in others from the leadership perspective since Judges usually have a track record of following through and getting results when most others can’t. Finally, in order to work most effectively with a Judge, here are some tried and true observations.

You should not:
• Attempt to be too friendly. Certainly don’t be rude, but don’t come in looking for ways to bond and build rapport with the Judge by asking about his family or her vacation. It won’t work, and will surely backfire
• Take his or her behavior personally. It’s NOT you, it’s how the Judge is wired (to be abrupt, to the point and not very friendly) and you don’t have much of a chance to change that behavior, so why bother.
• Use emotion as an argument at anytime, anywhere.
• Expect them to eventually come around and be friendly; it won’t happen during office hours. You can have great conversations with them, but keep it all business.

You should:
• Address the issue without emotion
• Use stats or simply state what needs to be addressed; facts and figures are useful.
• Tell them the most important thing first; they’re apt to ignore the rest.
• Use body language and tone that are confident, but not arrogant.
• State needs and questions directly. Don’t ask a Judge if he can get around to something, say what you need.
• Be sure you think and talk in bullets, and keep anything that isn’t business for after hours.

When we remember to get to the point, state what is needed or what the Judge needs to know and then get out of the way, we will create rapport, respect and a long term relation by speaking the Judge’s language. After all, in the Judge’s eyes there is no other language around anyway! Have fun with this, and see just how effective you can be working with this very interesting personality style!

We have different skills, we’re talented, creative and smart in so many ways. Our job is to recognize the abilities of others and how we can best communicate with them. And as I mentioned in last week’s blog, I’m going to share some great info on working more effectively with people through my Omni-Linguistics program.

Today, just an overview. And by the way I’m writing this sitting in an airport where weather delays seem to have increased the number of people and decreased tolerance and patience. Perhaps the best place to observe personalities/behavioral styles, is to watch people under stress. It’s a great perspective on who demands results, who settles in and has a drink, who starts to work, who looks to help others or who just puts a baseball cap over his face and goes to sleep. Amazing how unique we all are, and how we handle the same situation in different ways!

First style we’ll talk about, beginning next week, is the Judge. The Judge gets things accomplished in a cut-to-the-chase manner. He or she prefers action and quick decisions over discussion, details and planning. The Judge can be brusque and abrupt and his favorite slogan is “just handle it”; he’s a professional delegator. Judges are apt to be judgmental, demand perfection, and know they are right. They are poor listeners and have short attention spans. The Judge’s candid, pragmatic approach works well in some leadership positions, but her autocratic manner may put off team members. Judges have high levels of testosterone activity in the brain, leading them to be competitive, direct, and always tell it like it is. Consequently you never have to worry, as you do with some types, about what the Judge really thinks; he or she will tell you bluntly and to your face. As you can see we can really dislike these people or misinterpret their behavior and feelings, yet they can be absolutely wonderful. Mother Teresa was a judge (according to a colleague who worked with her for many months in India). We’ll have lots of fun discussing the endless possibilities of working effectively with these interesting people.

Next, we’ll look at the Meteor. The Meteor loves to talk—and does so all the time. In fact these people do so much of it they rarely listen. But their enthusiasm, creativity and passion influence others easily. He or she will almost always be found at the water cooler or break room entertaining all who appear, as they are very fun-loving. Meteors love the cutting edge, and so embrace new ideas. The fast-pace of change and a go-get-‘em attitude makes the Meteor the fast-moving, bright, shiny object of the office. However, these types seem allergic to paper and detest detail. For team spirit and company innovation they are great leaders, but Meteors have poor follow-through. In a confrontation, expect them to “go for the win.” They are assertive and not afraid to get what they want. They are fun loving and a natural magnet for others, and at the same time a challenge to work with effectively. Their motto is often, “let’s jump in the pool, and then look to see if there’s any water!”

After the Meteor we’ll focus on the Rock, an absolutely wonderful type of individual. the Rock is the sort of person who others find cooperative, responsible, reserved, logical and patient. They are great listeners—everyone goes to them. Because they are fair-minded, they seek to create harmony among others. Diplomatic and dependable, everyone likes to have the Rock on their team. But Rocks also have their problems. Rocks tend not to delegate, preferring not to burden others. They don’t like quick change—so it will take a bit of persuading if you want something new from them. They hate being put on the spot and because they don’t care for confrontation they won’t tell you what’s wrong. For all of these reasons and others, this terrific group of people can also create the greatest problems, you never know where you stand with them, which can sure be a challenge. We’ll find a variety of intelligent ways to work much more effectively with these great people!

Last but not least we’ll discuss the Detailers. The Detailer focuses on the quantitative. He or she is the sort who one might call perfectionists. They tend to be controlled. They like to have everything in writing, needing all documentation for any situation—paperwork is their friend! They are critical thinkers, like rules and the enforcement thereof. They tend to be sequential thinkers —meaning they start at the beginning and work their way linearly through a problem. Detailers are the least likely to “think outside of the box.” They are usually non-assertive in the workplace and non-responsive in a confrontation. This means they will avoid stress and people who cause it. For any project requiring a painstaking approach, it is important to get the Detailer on your side, for they are prudent, task-oriented and systematic. The Detailer can often be the most complex to work with effectively, and therefore we’ll talk about this amazing, intelligent and unique group of individuals last.

Have a wonderful week. And if anyone is reading this from an airport somewhere remember to look around you, and for the fun of it see if you can begin labeling people in one of these four categories. It’s an interesting exercise, and a fun way to pass the time while you’re waiting!

Regardless of statistics, when people can’t work toward the same vision or get along with each other, they typically aren’t able to find a common language to communicate in.

Of course it also means they probably don’t want to communicate with each other because they don’t like each other. And why don’t they like one another? Because somewhere along the way one person probably communicated something to another that sent up a red flag, or a whole group of flags.

Something was communicated negatively (albeit perhaps innocently) and ever since, anything that comes from Person A to Person B will be interpreted as “bad.”

Communication is the foundation for everything we build, and is always open to interpretation. Let me give you an example. Recently a woman in one of my seminars told me how “bad” her supervisor was. When questioned on exactly how he was bad, she replied that he never said good morning, never asked how she was, and was totally focused on business from the moment he stepped through the door.

For many of you reading this, you’re probably wondering what she was complaining about. It’s easy to see that this person had a set of values and beliefs based on someone being friendly, being interested in her as a person before any work was done. Therefore her interpretation of a “good” supervisor came from those values.

While this doesn’t seem like a big deal, if everything her supervisor did reflected an attitude of not caring (from her perspective), then trust, honesty and a whole lot of other values necessary for a good relationship would be lacking. We have to speak the same language if we’re going to be successful; it’s that simple.

There are many good programs on the market to help people decode the mysteries of all those other languages—verbal and nonverbal—that we speak. I’m very proud of my program, Omni-Linguistics, which is a simple, powerful and transformational approach to deciphering the communication enigma, broken down to four little words: Judge, Meteor, Rock and Detailer, the four ways we communicate.

We tend to gravitate toward those we feel we’re most alike; we’re in our comfort zones. And if you think about it, the more we can create a bond based on similarity in speaking, the easier and quicker we’ll be able to work effectively together. So whether we’re persuading a clerk to help us with an exchange, getting a teller to give us guidance with a transaction, closing a big sale or convincing a business group to think differently, speaking the same language creates a trust that enables us to be more open and empathetic. Omni-Linguistics means “ being” that person temporarily. It’s not about mimicking or pretending, it’s about understanding why it’s necessary to communicate a certain way with someone, and respecting the need of the individual to receive communication from that perspective.

Not one of us questions why it’s necessary to speak German if we’re in Munich or French if we’re in Paris. But every day we speak with a colleague, boss, taxi driver, friend or someone else and wonder why on earth they are behaving in a certain way based on something we said. We take offense, we get frustrated, we waste some of our energy on being upset, and we end up not getting what we want. When we take the time to understand a person’s need for a different form of communication, then we can begin the transformational process that can create strong relationships wherever we go.

From this blog on we’ll look at the four words/behavioral styles, and how to create a system that enables us to communicate with authenticity, integrity and success when we’re talking with anyone. And for now, until my next blog, ask yourself if there is anyone in your business or personal sphere that always seems a thorn in your side, or at least a challenge. Look at how you interact with others, communicate information, spend your down time, send an email or motivate a friend. Then look at the person in question. Do you see vast differences in how that person communicates information, sends an email, motivates a friend, etc?

I realized a long time ago that simply understanding that there are major differences in communication isn’t enough. I can remember feeling frustrated numerous times when dealing with a colleague, and mentally categorizing all the ways I was being open, understanding and professional. I would tell myself I was using all the right language and still we were at odds.

Then some small voice would remind me to stop and check our behavioral styles. Am I a Judge to her Meteor, frustrating her with my abruptness, or a Rock to his Detailer, frustrating him with my inability to precisely give him all the data he needs?

To create a new and lasting change in behavior—to see the brilliant simplicity of communicating with each other from a place of respect, letting others speak their preferred language style—we need to clear up the debris of old thinking.

So here’s to those four little words…they can transform everything about how we get along in this world, and how we build relationships in this promising new year!

During the holidays my daughter and I took him to a children’s museum in San Antonio, which had this amazing replica of a grocery store with plastic food and miniature shopping carts. It was nirvana for two year olds!

We were enthralled with his approach to this adventure, getting to act like a big person and shop all by himself. He immediately put six plastic carrots in his cart, along with one box of sausages and four packets of fruit desserts. And he did it nonchalantly, roaming the aisles like he’s been doing it all his life. He never looked around to see if other toddlers were gauging his accuracy or if he were doing it “right.”

Watching him approach something he’s never seen or been allowed to do before with such enthusiasm and abandonment made me think of how much we tend to change our mindset from the resilient, flexible mentality of a two-year-old to our often staid, grown up attitude on life.

Isn’t adaptability and resilience all about approaching something new or unexpected with a sense of excitement and confidence? And if this is an innate ability we all posses (assuming all of us were two years old at one time) then isn’t our job this year to start reminding ourselves we have the ability to change our perspective on change?

Deepak Chopra, in one of his lectures, talks about the ability fleas have to jump two to three feet high. Yet once they are confined for a period of time in a six inch jar, the lid can be removed and they never jump out. They are conditioned to learn and accept limitations.

Let’s look at this New Year as an opportunity to release limitations. Start with the premise that change can be pleasurable, which certainly must be the mantra of every two year old. And if we believe that our ability to be resilient comes from a change in our attitude, then let’s close today’s blog with some fun, “what if” questions:

What if you were six to 10 years old, how could you look at the change you’re facing in this New Year? Could you find it an adventure? Could you be less judgmental of yourself and make one of your resolutions to step a little more outside your comfort zone?

What if you were looking back from the year 2015, what great insights would you share on being the best person you can be this year, and at the same time less fearful of new opportunities and change?

What if a bell rang every time you did something, what would it be? Would it be a validation of doing something you believe in (complimenting a colleague, thinking positive thoughts in a negative situation) or would it be a gentle reminder of what you want to stop doing?

What if you worked for free because you were independently wealthy? What would you do at work (yes, you are still going to work) to encourage others to embrace change? What is your second right answer?

What if one of your jobs this year was to help others at work have more fun, what would you do? Make it mandatory to sing during a morning meeting? Give everyone silly string and let them spray it if they liked someone’s ideas? Run a creativity meeting that encourages thinking outside traditional lines to solve a current problem, and include koosh balls, construction paper and other “toys” to help stimulate creativity?

Finally, what if you chose to gain insight from one other person whom you respect, who would you choose to go to for advice? Would it be a favorite teacher, favorite boss, TV personality, celebrity or someone you admire from history?

Adaptability is an art and a mindset. We find mentally old people everywhere, who think that doing something in a different way is a fundamental crime. Those are the people referred to in the quote “People die in their 20’s, they just wait till their 80’s to be buried.”

And for the rest of us who wish to remain mentally flexible and resilient in our ever-changing world, why not, at least for a little while, try thinking like a two-year-old!