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Now for the good gifts…

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Most of us create high expectations for the New Year, planning to make appropriate changes to have more of whatever we feel was lacking in 2009. Maybe we want more peace of mind, or money, or companionship, or a job that offers less stress or just a job period. Maybe we want to lose the weight or gain the muscle or get the degree.

Whatever we plan to work on in the New Year, I’d like to suggest that a great foundation could begin with giving ourselves two gifts.

First, the gift of forgiveness. If we decided to give ourselves forgiveness for anything we did during 2009 or earlier we can then extend that forgiveness to everyone we meet. When I first wrote about FIDO (forget it and drive on) people use to ask why we should ever forget or forgive. My response was always the same, if we focus on anger we are attacking others and ourselves. It’s only by letting go that we can focus on what we want. Thoughts take the path of least resistance, so our job is to maintain the focus of what we want, never what we don’t want.

And the second priceless gift to give ourselves is to let go of judging others (I know, it doesn’t seem like an easy task to do). When we decide not to judge anyone for their behavior, then we will give ourselves peace and the energy and inner wisdom to truly accomplish our goals for the New Year.

When we judge it feels good and righteous. Sometimes I find myself thinking how could someone do something a certain way, and thank goodness I’m not like that. But when I’m thinking that I’m using good energy again to think negative thoughts. How much more productive it could be if I used that energy to focus on what is important to accomplish instead.

Years ago I was working with a colleague on a program about having the courage to apologize, and I remember thinking of one woman who had been very angry with me about something, and we had parted in a very negative way. I decided to call her and apologize, and I remember thinking I would expect no specific outcome. If I had called and apologized and expected her to gush about how wonderful I was, then I would still be angry if she didn’t reply in the way I wanted. Letting go of any expectations, I didn’t have to worry about manipulating her into liking me. I just wanted to apologize for the anger I had had and to let it go. I left a voice mail message and thought that would be the end of it.

To my amazement she called back and said she missed me and could we have lunch together. I was very surprised since I had placed no need for an outcome and frankly didn’t think I’d ever hear from her.

We received gifts for the holidays and we gave gifts. Now is a great time to give ourselves gifts that will really help transform our lives and those around us. We have nothing to lose by giving them a try. We are responsible for choosing the feelings we want to experience in the coming year. Our state of mind is our responsibility. And what better way to feel than at peace, free of anger, loving and joyous. May this be a great year where we use our insights and tools to teach ourselves, and in the process help everyone around us. Happy New Year!

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Watch out for the lollipop!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

“Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck for life.”

Sounds like something out of a bad fortune cookie, right? I read that proverb recently and it reminded me that as we go into the New Year with high expectations and plans to create positive change, looking for ways to be more resilient and open to new ideas in developing successes, maybe we should think about the lollipop of mediocrity.

Let me back track a second. There are those of us who get excited about new ideas and will jump headfirst into something (kind of like jumping into a pool on a summer’s day, and then checking to see if there’s any water in the pool). We tend to be the burst of energy that fades quickly because we don’t want to always take the time to implement our brilliant ideas. And then we get frustrated with those people who want to question our purpose, analyze our data, extrapolate more from what we said than we intended and then analyze the process until we forget why we got excited in the first place.

As we look at how to create quality in the New Year perhaps it includes a broader vision, an understanding of the importance to have both tolerance and respect for the “other” styles of people out there, those Judges, Detailers, Meteors and Rocks (the foundation for Omni-Linguistics, my program on speaking to anyone in their language) who think so differently than we do. But to create a high degree of quality and not slip into mediocrity just might mean using the talents and strengths of others who are very, very different.

It’s easy to get frustrated with the person who jumps and doesn’t have all her ducks in order (like water in the pool) before she launches into why something should be done. And if you’re like her it’s frustrating to hear all the reasons why something can’t work. Yet it’s equally annoying for someone to take your idea and start to run with it without consulting you, or passively sitting back and waiting for you to tell him what needs to be done (isn’t it obvious, you think).

The magnificence of our species is our unique (albeit frustrating) differences that keep us passionate, dedicated and much of the time confused about why someone else isn’t seeing the world through our lens. Yet our lens can’t necessarily yield the wonderful quality that comes when a variety of personality styles with very different thought patterns and talents come into alignment.

Is it ever easy? Definitely not. For me the lessons are always out there. I date someone who, when I ask how his day goes, will typically say “fine.” And when I ask if anything new or fun happened will probably say “no.” The Detailer has no reason to expound, yet someone like me who is used to responding to either of those questions with at least two paragraphs, may wonder what’s wrong with his day or why is he so reserved. Until we can truly understand someone’s language, how they PREFER to communicate, relax, rejuvenate, motivate, celebrate and handle business, then we’re blindly hoping others will play nicely with us. As we recognize and understand how to effectively reach someone without worrying about getting our needs met first (remember Stephen Covey saying listen first to understand, THEN be understood?) then we create the infrastructure for real team work and communication. And from that comes the true quality and value within a project, so we’ll never have to go down that path of mediocrity!

May your holidays be exactly as you want them to be this year

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Can we really snap out of it?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Ever felt mentally stuck? No matter how much you try to focus on what you want your mind ignores you and dwells on the negative, on what you’re worried about? There have been times I’ve tried to focus on what I wanted to accomplish and my mind felt like I was mentally swimming through concrete and seemed to snap right back to where I didn’t want to be.

In looking at how we retrain ourselves mentally it’s interesting to look at how we define resilience. One definition talks about an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change, to jump back, with a synonym of elastic. And when I think of elasticity, I think of a rubber band that snaps back or a yoga master who has such control over her body there is a beautiful elasticity as she contorts into her lotus or other positions.

Of course if we went to our first yoga class and tried to follow along with an extensive routine, we might be in trouble physically. But if we were up to continually stretching and focusing on attaining the positions, eventually we would get there. Yet so often we see people we work with who fight to protect their right not to bend or stretch mentally, arguing against anything new that might force them to mentally limber up. By the way it’s been said we think 60,000 thoughts a day, and 90% are repeats!

As we prepare for the New Year and strategize on our future successes in 2010, it’s a great time to realize the power we have to control our thoughts and gently guide them toward a more resilient mindset.

In his book Evolve Your Brain, Joe Dispensa reminds us we are what we believe. Change how we see ourselves and we change our outcome. He explains that in his studies of neuroscience it’s been proven we change our brain (that 100 billion cell organ of ours) just by thinking. And when we rehearse failure and mentally focus on limiting thoughts, we strengthen what we don’t want.

My Super Power Elasticity reminds us of the necessity of stretching outside our comfort zones in order to be as adaptable and flexible as we need to be to succeed. So here’s a fun (and possibly tiny bit painful) exercise.

Think of something that is a problem right now that you’re dealing with. Let’s not make it too big, but still an annoyance of some sort. Ask a colleague to watch where your eyes go when you think of this problem. For instance, if you’re thinking of a major deadline that is troubling you, do your eyes go up and to the right? And if you are thinking of person who drives you crazy, do your eyes go down and to the left? Once you know which way your eyes go put a rubber band on your wrist.

Next, think of something that makes you happy, makes you feel good (for me it’s usually sitting in the forest with my dogs, smelling pine, feeling wind through my hair and sunlight on my face).

OK, here we go helping the brain create a new perspective on a problem. As you start to think about the negative issue snap the rubber band on your wrist, say “stop it” and put your eyes in the opposite direction from where they were when you thought of the problem. Follow that up with a few seconds of focusing on the thought (resource state) that made you happy.

Of course all you’re doing is rewiring so that instead of dreading the meeting/person/situation you’ll be open to hear the conversation or alternative ideas. And will it happen immediately? Nope. But tenacity always pays off here, and you can absolutely change your perspective on something.

And if this sounds quite crazy to you, stop and think of how hard it is NOT to think of a purple elephant if someone came up right now and said not to think of one. We get stuck with old thought patterns. Yet the brain’s natural capacity of neuroplasticity, to rewire and create new outcomes, is amazing. We just need to help our thinking along a bit.

Amazing what we can create, how resilient we really are. Have fun changing your mind on something today. Let me know how it works, and if you find a small red mark on your wrist from the rubber band (as I have from time to time) it just reminds us of how deeply we can obsess over something we don’t want. How much more productive we are when we create what we do want instead!

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And the blame goes to?

Monday, December 7, 2009

Have you ever found it easier to blame someone or something other than yourself? I certainly have. For example if my relationship isn’t going as planned, it has to be his fault for not being a good enough communicator. And if there’s tension between business associates, it’s always because “they” are not really seeing the issue correctly; it’s always their fault.

Granted there are all sorts of circumstance where it sure seems that someone else is at fault and we’re doing everything we can, but then perception is always reality, isn’t it? What if every time we felt annoyed, hurt, needy, disappointed, ashamed, or any other emotion that limited us, we viewed it as a gift to help us learn where we need to heal, grow, or close any wound that has injured us and stopped us from growing? How much might we learn if we saw our frustration as something that originated with us, and no one else.

As long as we focus on how someone “made” us mad or angry or frustrated, we’ll keep looking somewhere “out there” for the answers. And unfortunately (and I only say unfortunately because that’s where our work lies) the answers lie within each of us.
When we are healed of whatever wound makes us feel insecure, unworthy, hurt or some other emotion, then we can clearly see what others need, as well as what it takes to empower others with what they need. We are always the teachers and we always lead from where we stand. And when we take the time to understand where we’ve been stuck and then allow the discomfort that it often takes to heal, we will lack for nothing; and we can simply use our understanding to help others who haven’t reached our level of awareness. It’s been said there is nothing more powerful than a person who needs nothing. This does not mean a person who has locked up his feelings and fears, but someone who is aware of where satisfaction and happiness originate.

With this self knowledge we are ready to step back and appreciate the uniqueness of people we encounter personally or professionally, without getting caught up in the emotion if they happen to be people we disagree with on specific issues. In my new book there’s a chapter that helps us interpret how people need to be treated, called Omnilinguistics, the power to speak with anyone based on what he or she truly needs. This clarity comes when we first understand what we need from an emotional perspective, and have the courage and vision to pass on the knowledge.

Why not decide to communicate with others more effectively in the new year, based simply on giving people information in the way they need to get it (otherwise they probably won’t hear it at all, only their version of what we intended). It could be a year where we no longer play the blame game, and more importantly if we’re willing to do the work, it could be the year we finally heal old wounds and get clear insight and inspiration into working and playing with greater energy, clarity and compassion.

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Permission to Lighten Up!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Ever notice that sometimes, the harder we try the less we seem to accomplish? And have you ever noticed that sometimes, when you’re relaxed, laughing, focused on your goal but without the worry or stress that often accompanies deadlines, you get much more accomplished?

As we examine how we can be smarter in 2010, how we can really adapt and change to become everything we want to be, then perhaps it starts with knowing what’s important to us. What do we need to add to our lives or take out in order to feel like we’re really making a difference, and being the best we can be? What can we change that will help us laugh more and have less stress? And how can we possibly be a great manager or fabulous father or wonderful friend if we don’t start first with ourselves?

Did you know the average four-year-old laughs 300 times a day, while the average adult comes in at a measly 15? William James said we don’t laugh because we’re happy, we’re happy because we laugh. So what if we decide to invest the time in ourselves to see what really matters to us, what gives us the joy and passion to be everything we know we’re capable of being. Think of how much more productive we might be.

And once we look at what we know matters– not what someone tells us ought to be important–then our goal is to model the Hero who has single-minded vision. Remember it’s been said if there is a lack in our life, it’s because there is a lack in our thoughts. Monitoring what we are creating mentally (of course we create everything first in our minds, then in the physical world) our job is to continually keep our focus positive. In my latest book when I write about the super power Elasticity, we want to remember that every time we think something negative about our goal IMMEDIATELY replace it with the positive thought. Pretty soon we’ll start to be amazed (at least I have been) at how often we start to sabotage our own success by thinking back to the “what if it doesn’t work” mentality.

Between now and January 1st hold onto a thought/goal you want, and every single time your mind starts to wander to some negative place pull it back. Not only will it get easier and easier and you’ll see some pretty amazing results, but you might even start to have a little more fun in the process.

Last thought for the day…a banner on the side of a church said it best: Thou Shalt Lighen Up!

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A Kick-Start for Resilience?

Monday, November 23, 2009

It’s been said people die in their 20’s, they just wait until their 80’s to be buried. People give up, walk around a bit like actors in a version of the movie “Night of the Living Dead;” mental Zombies going through the motions. And if you’ve ever thought of putting a mirror under someone’s nose to see if they really were breathing, then you know what I’m talking about.

People often feel despair, frustration, and even hopelessness. It’s become so prevalent that probably three out of four calls I get concerning speaking, training or consulting come from managers who are concerned about the mental health of employees; the lack of motivation and initiative and the need for resilience.

So what do we do? How do we kick-start 2010 by offering hope and teaching people to be resourceful, resilient, adaptable and hopeful? Quite a challenge, wouldn’t you say? And something I’d like to address in all my blogs between now and the New Year.

I began thinking about resilience, and after going to Webster’s Dictionary I read this definition: “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.”

Perhaps some people have been conditioned to believe that everything is hopeless and they will usually offer examples of why worst-case scenarios always prevail. Of course we are all products of our upbringing and teaching and culture, but if we’re going to change prevailing cultures and be the change everyone needs to follow, then we have to start thinking differently. It begins with making a choice to do something, to be willing to be open.

And that something could be as simple as making a decision to find a reason to be hopeful, or someone to praise, or doing something that feels good or is rewarding or joyous. Dr. Norman Vincent Peale once spoke of being in a dreadful slump, sitting in his office wallowing in self pity. His secretary knocked on the door and told him it was time for his speech on positive thinking. The last thing he felt was positive, but he said he got up and just went out and acted “as if.” Later he started to feel the way he had only been acting before, but it was a choice, a decision to move out of where he felt stuck toward something that modeled what he ultimately wanted.

I’ll be back next week looking at examples of when and how we can cultivate hope and strengthen our resilience. It’s always about getting better information, a new perspective/model and reminding ourselves of what we already know, we first create in our minds what we ultimately create in our professional and personal lives. Let’s start looking at where and how we can change our focus and teach others the value of investing in hope. I don’t think there’s a better time to start than right now. What do you think?

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Baggage? Baggage Free?

Friday, September 25, 2009

In the world of business training and leadership awareness we are often reminded of the importance of focusing on the challenge or problem, not the person. Which goes back to looking at an individual or situation without the emotional baggage that might go something like….”I can’t believe ___ screwed up again. She’s never going to learn.” or…”He behaved exactly like so and so, this is bad news. He’s on his way out.”

But what if we thought about baggage from a different perspective. If you have to change flights in order to make a connection or survive weather challenges, you can’t do it with baggage. Only if you’re baggage free will you be lucky enough to make the flight.

When we focus on our abilities, our gratitude, our tasks, we take the focus off any excessive baggage we might be carrying around still. Just like the airlines are charging for excessive baggage these days, every time we pull up something from the past and either use it as an excuse for current behavior or use it to justify why we can’t work or deal well with someone, we are being charged for excessive baggage. Only we’re being charged through stress, aggravation, insomnia, and on and on (you can fill in the blank here).

Can you imagine if the Hero encountered a Villain and started thinking back over old times and how he had lost three out of four battles or didn’t live up to his own expectations. By that time, in a real encounter, he’d be toast.

Let me give you a personal example. After having issues with someone in my life I was reminded by an honest friend who told me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. What she said was that it all started with me. NEVER are we suffering or miserable from what someone else is doing to us or saddling us with. Again, I’m aware we often get stuck working for people who don’t have great management skills and stuff happens, often frustrating and annoying. But I repeat, if we’re really suffering or getting indigestion or migraines because of “someone” out there, we need to realize it starts with us. When we have a clear understanding of our worth and value, when we focus on demonstrating the highest of heroic qualities.—love, trust, self respect, joy, integrity—we are putting the focus back on ourselves. We are responsible for our happiness today, not a spouse, girl friend, significant other, child or boss. We are responsible for looking out after ourselves, manifesting the highest of good and being the role model (Hero) others look up to when they get stuck lugging their baggage around.

It’s much easier to blame our woes on others (if the boss would only take an extended vacation, if he would only call me today life would be grand and I could smile again, if she would only acknowledge my worth I could feel respected). Wrong.

Business management 101, or personal management 101 should always remind us we are the Heroes we want to be. We’ve got it all, and that’s where we put our energy and awareness.

I wish all of you a baggage free day, and the ability to pick up and help carry someone else’s baggage, until they figure out they don’t have to drag it around any more!

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Is Today Conspiring Against You?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Have any of you ever assumed that if you’re doing everything right—you’re conscientious, hard working, selfless, operating from integrity, guiding or mentoring others, that life should just be good? The day should never conspire against you? There shouldn’t be buckets of disappointments some days? AND, if you do encounter frustrations then you’re probably doing something wrong, not thinking correctly or being as smart as you know how to be; in other words, you’re to blame?

It is so easy to assume if we play by the rules, if we’re good grownups working hard to make the world a better place (working from our Super Hero positions) then the Universe will reciprocate, reward us for our goodness and smarts. However, that in itself is believing that by behaving in a certain way—cause and effect—we will affect different results, just based on our intentions.

And why am I writing this today? Because I noticed that the day seemed to be conspiring against me. One thing after another after another seemed to be tumbling in a downward spiral. Little disappointments, bigger aggravations, lots of incidental annoyances in between. And I found myself thinking, if I am living up to my beliefs and my understanding then these things cannot be happening, I must be doing something wrong, it must be me. This presupposes however that we are in control of everyone and everything around us. That we can always change fate by out attitude and vision. That stuff never just happens.

From years in New York City I learned if we wait for any external stimulation to feel happy we might be waiting a long time. It’s like getting on the subway and expecting people to suddenly look up and smile, to move instead of jostle or to allow you all the necessary time to get to, and get out the door when the car stops at a station (instead of making a headlong mad dash and hoping for the best). New Yorkers go by their own internal happiness meters.

And when a day conspires to make you feel that you caused it, that you created this reality, then it’s a good reminder to think back on what a Super Hero really is. She (or he) is usually thrust into an uncomfortable situation with bad guys trying to make things even worse. Does the Hero say “Hmm, I brought this on myself?” or does she realize the more we focus on inner strength/peace/joy the more we’ll be able to deal with the bad guys, or in this instance, the bad days that seem to be after us. We can realize things are just the way they are today, nothing more, nothing less. And that all the events—no matter how unexpected or disappointing—are lessons. We’ve done nothing wrong. It’s just the day, it’s not the Hero. And as my son reminded me in his own inimitable way, you’ve got your health, you’ve got us (family), you’ve got a place to live and food to eat…what’s the big deal? Leave it to family to remind us of how blessed we really are.

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Who’s Your Super Hero?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Honoring Paul Dugan on KOLO Channel 8 Television yesterday was quite an honor for me, since Paul is an amazing individual who, during his tenure as Washoe County Superintendent, inspired educators and impacted many, many children in the area as well. He was my first choice as recipient of the Super Hero award because of his outstanding contributions, caring and commitment.

Today I was also interviewed on Channel 8 TV discussing what my hopes are for this brand new Super Hero campaign. What I would love to see happen is an epidemic of gratitude and appreciation. My intention for starting this campaign to nominate Super Heroes (remember every nominee gets a Super Hero button to wear and pass on, and every winner a copy of my book) is to create a mindset of awareness for all those people who go out of their way to make a difference in the world, whether their contributions are big or little. If we wait to say thank you or show appreciation when a job is brilliantly done, or the task if very important, we may have very few opportunities. When we say “Thank you, you’re my Super Hero today” for the smallest things, we change the climate and culture without really trying.

Let me give you an example. Two weeks ago I flew an airline that will remain nameless for obvious reasons. The one person behind the ticket counter was dismally slow, and seemed totally oblivious and uncaring. The line was growing, the time I had to get my bag checked was shrinking, and you could see everyone was getting nervous and cranky. I’m sharing exasperated looks with fellow travelers when finally the airline employee comes up next to me and the man beside me, who couldn’t have been a day over 20. She took care of his bag and he then asked her if she was permitted to take a tip. As startled as she appeared to be, she responded that she could not accept tips. He seemed really surprised he couldn’t tip her, and told her it seemed unfair since she was working so hard.

Now keep in mind this is the same woman I’m getting ready to say something rather unkind to in about a minute. All of a sudden she’s grinning ear to ear, and when she gets to me I can’t help but smile back, she thanks me for my patience, and everything goes smoothly. All it took was one rather young and very smart person to shift the environment from one of anxiety to one of gratitude and appreciation.

So in keeping with that mindset, I’d love to hear from all of you regarding who you feel would be a wonderful candidate for a Super Hero award. All nominations are posted on the site for the world to see, and all nominees get that fun button to wear around and pass on as a way of saying thank you. And of course 11 winners will receive a copy of the book.

Start thinking, start writing, and please pass on your nominations!

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Do We REALLY Need Super Powers?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

In case you’re just joining me, welcome to my blog. I appreciate you stopping by, and I’d like to tell you why I decided to write a book on Super Heroes…As kids many of us knew we were going to grow up and change the world, be something spectacular, become some sort of Hero. That was our destiny, we couldn’t go wrong.

Then we got busy and raised families and went to school and earned a living and most of the time we forgot about our lofty goals of changing the world. But the world still needs changing. And the great thing most of us have figured out is we change things little by little, one small act of understanding or tolerance, one unique idea or act of courage. SOS’s I call them, the Series of Small Successes.

And so in order to change a culture, change morale, change our attitude on life, quit stressing or start living fully, we need to be the ones to model these super powers. We can no longer wait for anyone else to get smart enough or passionate enough to take over and create change, it’s up to us. A young boy named Nicosi Johnson once said we must do what we can, with what we’ve got, where we are, right now. So we begin by realizing everything is created in a mental world first, and then it becomes physical. As true life Super Heroes we can create the change that is needed, simply by using the powers we already possess. And my book makes it easy for us to remember what we know and how to use it to create powerful and lasting change.

For example, what do you want to be remembered for? Is it the car you drive, the cleanliness of your desk or your tennis score? Or do you want to be remembered for those you helped, how you impacted someone’s life in a way no one else could?

Each power is unique and helps us create change in specific areas. One power is Attitude, the ability to transform our lives just by how we think and where we put our focus. Then there’s Contagious Courage that helps us handle change and transition. Elasticity is the power to help us stretch and adapt while Magnetism helps us draw others to us and build trust and relationships. Omnilinguistics is the power to understand what others need and “speak” their language and Serendicity is the power to attract opportunities. The power X-ray Vision helps us see through the problem to the potential in a situation, and Force Field helps us reflect away anger and utilize forgiveness. My last two powers are Invisibility, the ability to lead by staying in the background and helping make others powerful, and Spontaneous Combustion, the ability to fire up and motivate others to excellence.

I hope you’ll take time to look at all your powers, think about which ones could use a bit of polishing up and which ones you already use brilliantly. And I would love to hear your nominations for future Super Heroes. These are the people who are already using one of the powers in an exemplary way; making a difference in your life. Every nominee gets a Super Hero button to wear (and give away) and every winner receives a copy of my book.

Thanks again for stopping by.

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